Get Excited

Switching My RSS

2007-12-11T14:11:00.001-05:00

If you subscribe to my RSS, please change the bookmark to:

http://rickyvanveen.com/rss

About to do some housekeeping, kthx.

The Takeaway From JakobandJulia.com

2007-12-09T11:25:00.000-05:00

Now that J&J.com is over, did we learn anything from the experiment?

Yes -- that the gossip industry works on a model that can be disrupted.

The gossip industry is built on second hand information, information embargoes, secret sources, tips, etc. But what if the people who are being gossiped about bypass that inaccurate mechanism and just make the information public in real time?

Assuming I was a person who didn't know Jake/Julia personally, and I wanted to find out if they were together/fighting/apart, I could just go to a single information source and get the answer immediately.

That kind of universal transparency would put Page Six out of business.

UPDATE: Professional blogger Emily Gould (a very cute lady!) responded to my post. I read what she had to say, but can't see her clearly state what's wrong with my theory. I believe my hypothesis stands -- Jake and Julia eliminated any wiggle room for gossip around their relationship when they put all of their problems, arguments, and even drug use out into the open. Will every celebrity quickly do the same? Of course not. And that's not what I suggested.

But what is there to gossip about when the dirty truth of the matter is laid out in front of you? Gossip is fueled by the unknown. When you eliminate the unknown, you starve the model, and you break it.

Nerdiest Joke Ever

2007-12-06T00:42:00.000-05:00

Never end a sentence in a prepositi on.

Jake News

2007-11-30T17:41:00.000-05:00

Today was Jake’s last day working at Vimeo (and CV in general). He’s leaving on extremely pleasant terms and remains a friend of and investor in the company.

Jake’s been a lot of things to me over the past eight years: a roommate, a business partner, an intellectual role model. He continues to be one of my two closest friends (the other is Josh!).

So today was an emotional day. Anyway, I thought if I didn’t acknowledge it, it would seem like things didn’t end amicably. But they did, so here ya go.

Now I’m going to stop typing before my co-workers notice that I’m getting a little misty through the glass wall of my office. So gay.

Rumors I've Heard in the Last 12 Hours

2007-11-29T11:12:00.000-05:00

1) Colin Powell is Pete Wentz's Uncle.

2) Lindsay Lohan was on my block the other night doing cocaine powder.

3) The Hills cast and film crew was seen in an airport filming a "going away scene", changing costumes, then immediately filming a "coming home" scene.

John Bruns, Nice Dude

2007-11-16T11:31:00.000-05:00

My college roommate John is starting a business, which is being funded by a prominent Baltimore bank executive. The interesting part about the story is how the two met -- John saw a stranded motorist on the side of the road, stopped to help him, and the guy turned out to be both wealthy and appreciative.

I've seen John going out of his way to help strangers since I've known him, so I wasn't too surprised to hear something like this. Neat!

Boinking CV Staffers

2007-11-15T12:23:00.000-05:00

"I wish that photo of me had never been taken!"

- Jakob Sparks Lodwick

The Darjeeling Limited Wardrobe

2007-11-07T21:42:00.000-05:00

"Why do people with so much luggage never change their clothes?"

- David Iserson

Murdoch's Balls

2007-11-07T12:20:00.000-05:00

With the WGA strike being on the nation's collective mind, I was reminded yesterday of one of my favorite media stories of all time. It’s the story of Rupert Murdoch using his giant testicles to risk his entire empire and break the British newspaper unions in 1986.

I’ll share it with you here. To bring you up to speed, Rupert had inherited a small local paper from his father (The Adelaide News) in the early 1960s. By 1969, he had leveraged that single paper to start/acquire a few more Australian papers and television stations and began expanding his empire to Britain, buying four of the largest newspapers in the UK.

I will let Edward Jay Epstein tell the rest, which I've excerpted (scanned) from his extremely informative (and highly recommended) book about Hollywood, “The Big Picture.”

So it's probably pretty safe to assume that if somebody from the Mogul side of the current strike caves in first, it won't be Murdoch.

Disclosure: Rupert Murdoch is my father.

Check out my Tumblog!!!!

2007-11-05T23:41:00.000-05:00

http://rickyv.tumblr.com/

The Case Against Hyperblogging

2007-11-04T21:17:00.000-05:00

* Note: I changed the title of this post since it gave the impression that I dislike Tumblr. I don't dislike tumblr, I dislike it's effect of causing people to post so much.

In the past few weeks, I’ve had a number of close friends start using Tumblr. I’ve also had those friends preach the gospel of Tumblr to me and let me know that I should start using the service instead of my current blogging utility (Blogger.)

I’m here to argue that while Tumblr makes publishing media (photos, text, videos, etc) virtually effortless and is a great tool for people who want to constantly share their lives in a steam-of-consciousness form, the effects are not necessarily a good thing.

1. What I am not arguing: I am not arguing that Tumblr is bad at what it’s intended to do. In fact, it’s great at what it’s supposed to do – make it incredibly easy for people to share electronic media relevant to them with the world.

2. What I am arguing: That the long-term effects of Tumblr are negative for both people who use it and those peoples’ friends/readers.

3. Why Tumblr is bad for publishers: Words have relative values. Someone who talks a lot has less value to their words than someone who rarely speaks. But when that quiet person speaks, people listen. When you publish 20 posts a day, your individual posts lose value. And when you finally do have something important to say, it gets lost among the clutter. Your signal to noise ratio is too low.

4. Why Tumblr is bad for readers: Internet users have enough electronic media to digest already. There’s, quite simply, no need for more of it. Before my friends started keeping Tumblogs, I was able to keep up with their feeds. Once that changed, I find that I can no longer keep up without getting overwhelmed. My girlfriend even asked if I was “obsessed” with some of the people whose Tumblogs I read. Of course, I wasn’t. It just appeared that way because she noticed how much time it took me to just keep up with the content they’re publishing on-line.

I have many friends who use Tumblr, but three post enough to prove my point by themselves -- Jakob Lodwick, Julia Allison, and Reggie Watts. Since these friends have started using the Tumblr service, they have posted to their Tumblogs constantly all day. Much like the Twitter service, this is, as a seventh grade girl might put it, “too much information.” If just these friends are enough to overwhelm my media consumption, I can’t imagine what would happen if more of my friends started using the service. Thus, if I'm going to be able to keep up with my friends in the future, I'm left with the choice of either reducing the number of blog posts they make or reducing my number of friends. I choose to keep the friends.

An easy counter-argument to this could be “Well, nobody is making you read these posts.” However, that argument is flawed – I will keep up with things my friends publish because they’re my friends and I’m interested in their lives. However, I’d appreciate fewer posts with more significance and thought put into them. I’d trade one of these... for three of these. Give me two pieces of Grade A meat, not five pieces of Grade C.

NOTE: One exception to my stance against hyperblogging is John Mayer’s meal blog (mlog), which is incredibly useful.

Jake Interview

2007-11-02T11:37:00.001-04:00

Jake did an interview with Wallstrip.

Fake Lodwick

2007-10-29T13:23:00.000-04:00

The super-talented Jen Dunlap went as Jake Lodwick for Halloween. The pictures are great. She said she got in character by simply being an asshole.

Formal Friday

2007-10-26T17:44:00.001-04:00

A bunch of us decided to get dressed up for work today.

This is Fantastic

2007-10-26T11:52:00.000-04:00

The “Blog” of “Unnecessary” Quotation Marks
(via Dianne)

I've been snapping cameraphone photos of this phenomenon for a while.

How Good Is Our Original Video Department?

2007-10-22T11:40:00.000-04:00

This good.

Fauxtograph

2007-10-21T21:50:00.000-04:00

Fauxtograph: Noun. A video taken of a person who thinks they're having their photo taken.

A great one from this weekend:

Note: I've also been on the receiving end of one of these.

Public Jake Debate

2007-10-18T14:02:00.000-04:00

Jake responds to my last blog post.

While I agree that it's best not to speculate on "raw unencumbered capitalism" until it's experienced, I think it's safe to make general economic predictions based off what we've seen.

With pure capitalism, technology will flourish because it's the most efficient economic system. I'm of the belief that technology and progress will create more wealth overall – the pie will grow. However, I'm also of the belief that fewer people are needed to run a more technologically advanced society and fewer jobs are required. Those jobs no longer needed will be middle class jobs (tasks that can now be automated, like an assemblyman in an auto factory). Those profiting from the consolidation of technology will still need the service class, so lower paid jobs will be maintained. Due to the elimination of average jobs, the gap between rich and poor will continue to grow as the middle class gets squeezed out of an information economy.

David Simon is correct in his statement that in a post-industrial capitalist system, the worth of a typical human is less than it was previously. They just aren't needed as much.

Looking fwd to Jake's retort.

David Simon Article

2007-10-18T10:20:00.000-04:00

This week's New Yorker has a great profile of The Wire and its creator David Simon. Simon is fascinating to hear quoted because he's relentlessly honest. Here's a favorite line:

“The Wire,” Simon often says, is a show about how contemporary American society—and, particularly, “raw, unencumbered capitalism”—devalues human beings. He told me, “Every single moment on the planet, from here on out, human beings are worth less. We are in a post-industrial age. We don’t need as many of us as we once did."

How funny would it be to hear a politician say that at a stump speech? "Well folks, to be frank, there are more of you than there are available jobs."

If you've been hounded by friends to start watching The Wire and you haven't yet, don't. You don't deserve it.

JK on the GAY

2007-10-15T14:45:00.000-04:00

I heard this story on the radio in a taxi yesterday and LOL'd.

"He said he had long been suspicious of a gay campaign to manipulate priests with homosexual tendencies, so he decided to use his training as a psychologist to investigate, posing as a "thief among thieves" in the homosexual world."

That's up there with "It's not mine, Mom. I was just holding it for a friend."

Nation's Crapital

2007-10-15T12:57:00.000-04:00

Washington DC is a shitty place to live if you're a creative young person. It's filled with boring preppy twenty-somethings who do the same things every weekend (which also happen to be the same things they did in college.) Here's an article that goes more in depth. This is my favorite part:

The fundraiser may have been a bust, but Rodgers managed to pull off the main event. In June, she attracted a crowd to the Courage Cup, a polo match in Virginia that raises money to teach disadvantaged D.C. youths to play polo. Although the charity receives a fair amount of scorn (several posters asked why anyone would teach poor kids to play a game they can’t afford), it was one of the early summer’s most popular events.

I Am So Proud

2007-10-08T15:39:00.000-04:00

http://www.24with24.com/

Jake and Julia- The FAQ

2007-10-04T16:12:00.000-04:00

Since I get asked about Jake Lodwick and Julia Allison’s relationship several times a day, I might as well make an FAQ. Here are some answers to frequently asked questions, with the help of copy and pasting from e-mails between Jake and myself.

Is the relationship real?
Yes.

Aren’t they completely different people?
They have different backgrounds, but they make a surprisingly good pair when they’re together. My guess is that Julia is attracted to Jake’s intelligence and originality and Jake is attracted to her good looks and ambition.

What do I think?
It’s very entertaining. Alone, they’re amusing people. Put together, 1 + 1 = 3. The aspect that makes me laugh is how the Gawker blogs decided to cover them, continue to report on them, and then complain about them being in the spotlight. It’s like somebody farting in the middle of a cocktail party and then saying “It smells absolutely disgusting in here.”

Does Jake follow the coverage?
Not really. Though Jake likes Nick Denton, he thinks Gawker is garbage -- a black hole of negativity where losers go to hear about what winners are up to. A place where those losers then form a support group, assuring themselves that it's okay they're not enjoying life as much as those being covered because the people being covered aren't “cool.” So Jake sees the coverage when I email him links.

Why did he take those photos on the beach?
Because he likes to capture things that he finds aesthetically pleasing. And Noah Kalina, who shot it, takes great photos. As Jake has said, “I want to present my very best to the world, because it reflects how great I think I am myself.”

Does Jake really think that highly of himself?
Yes. But so what? Ideally, shouldn’t everybody be self-confident and think they’re the best? As Jake put it, “If I'm wrong? If I actually suck? Then at least I had fun doing it.”

Does Jake like the attention?
Jake likes all forms of attention. He always has.

What is Jake trying to get out of all of this?
I don’t think he has any specific goals. And if he does, it’s probably not what you’d suspect. For example, I saw this comment on one of the posts. Somebody said they were friends with a famous and beautiful young actress who was into Jake and was texting him anonymously. I sent it to Jake, thinking he would be curious who it was. Nope. He didn’t give a shit. Said Jake: “I've gotten SMSes from about 120 strangers, most of which I reply to. If I didn't reply to someone's text, it must have been boring. Also, the attention I got from that actress is not a coincidence or accident. There's plenty more where that came from and I'm in no rush.”

Any more questions?

Update: Apparently yes. BONUS QUESTION:

Why do they get blogged about so much?
The salary of a Gawker editor is somewhat correlated to the traffic generated by their posts. And JL/JA posts are popular.

The SNL Fallacy

2007-10-02T21:37:00.001-04:00

Jake made a statement today that we're in a "dark age of pop culture." I disagreed and pointed to television, which currently is fantastic. His rebuttal was that I'm only thinking of the top .1% and the rest of what's on TV is garbage.

My retort was that his argument suffers from the "SNL Fallacy" (call me an arcade, because I just COINED that).

The SNL Fallacy is when people look back in time at something, just see the highlights (since the lowlights and filler inherently fade away and are forgotten), and see that time period as superior to the current one. People always claim that Saturday Night Live "used to be better." And they've been saying that ever since shortly after the show started. But that's because what sticks out in their head is Eddie Murphy doing "Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood" and not the rest of the filler sketches that were on that night.

Sure, only .1% of all TV that's on right now is good stuff. But what about in the 50's? Don't you think there was crap then? Don't you think there was a plethora of junky plays produced in 16th century England while Shakespeare was penning masterpieces?

This fallacy could also be dubbed the "this high school has really gone downhill since we were here" fallacy.

Here's An Idea

2007-09-30T00:10:00.000-04:00

Hybrid elevators.

Basically using the same technology that a hybrid car uses to harness the energy otherwise wasted during deceleration. Only with the elevator, you'd harness all that power that is wasted when the elevator is going down.

Somebody get on this, thx.

The New Click 'n Clack

2007-09-27T11:09:00.000-04:00

Josh and I did an NPR interview a month or two ago. The mp3 is posted online if you want to listen.

MurdochSpace

2007-09-20T17:27:00.000-04:00

If you've ever wondered if Rupert Murdoch has a MySpace account, here's your answer.

Anderson has his own Rupert stories: "He called me once and couldn't log in for some reason. I was trying to help him over the phone, saying, 'Type this. Type that. What do you see on your screen?' And he says, 'It says, 'Welcome John.' And I'm like, 'John? Why does it say John?' and he says [affecting his own version of the deep, slightly cranky voice], 'I don't use my real name on MySpace.'"

Time Out, Julia

2007-09-16T10:17:00.000-04:00

I set Julia Allison (Jake's mismatched girlfriend) straight regarding first date outfits.

Dear Gawker.com

2007-09-11T16:07:00.001-04:00

re: this one.

1) I've never hooked up with my friend Deb Schoeneman. But I'm sure my girlfriend will be happy to read that I "definitely" have and Deb's Mom will appreciate the Google alert that she's hooked up with 3/4 partners in a company.

2) The only founders of CollegeHumor are me and Josh. Zach and Jake founded Vimeo.com

3) Can you use a better picture of me? Like not one from when I weighed thirty pounds more?

That's really it. Thanks for caring.

The Yankee Prankee

2007-09-10T12:22:00.000-04:00

Amir and Streeter, two of our writers, have been involved in an ongoing prank war for the past year. Here is Amir's latest prank. Amazing.

Me on Friday Night

2007-09-09T16:43:00.000-04:00

My co-worker David has this fun little dance project he does. He made this one for his girlfriend's sister as a birthday present. See if you can spot me tearing it up.

E-Mail from Our Office Manager

2007-09-07T08:33:00.000-04:00

Sent: Thursday, September 06, 2007 5:35 PM
To: all
Subject: Building stuff

Hey everyone,

I just got a call from the building management. They've been
receiving complaints about us from the Port Authority and cleaning
staff. The main thing they were upset about is one instance a couple
weeks ago when beer and liquor bottles were left in the men's
bathroom. Basically, if you're going to be here late at night after
the cleaning staff has already been through, just be more clean in
areas we share with other businesses, like the bathroom.

Other complaints included:
-Drunk people hanging out the window
-Spinning around the revolving doors over and over again (really)

I guess the jist of it is that we should restrict rowdiness and fun
to inside our office in the building to keep the old people in the
other offices from getting mad.

Kev

New CollegeHumor Design, Video Player, Etc

2007-09-05T16:43:00.000-04:00

Seriously, how fantastic does this look?

What a fine group of folks we have here making this stuff happen.

The Hills Answers More of Life's Greatest Mysteries

2007-09-03T22:30:00.000-04:00

How does the dumbest person on the planet keep informed?

Yep.

E-Mail from Mother

2007-09-03T13:31:00.000-04:00

Thanks for the pics. Your hair looks good.

Just promise that at my funeral, you will not wear anything like sneaks with a suit.
It's way too cutsie.... or urban.... or cosmo or whatever look you are trying to scream out.

Love, MOM XOX

Kill Your Darlings

2007-09-03T10:29:00.000-04:00

I'd say that for as long as I've known Jake Lodwick, he's been into the singer Beck. But "into him" would be an understatement. For literally years of his life, all Jake listened to was Beck -- can you imagine only listening to one artist for that long?

One of the first times I hung out with Jake, I remember him reciting Beck lyrics to me out of context while walking down the street in NYC. I can't remember what lyrics they were because, just like a nonsensical dream that you can't recall, they made little sense (something about laser vaginal rejuvenation?).

When we were 19, Jake and I worked on a television project and got to meet Jack Black. The first thing Jake asked him was "What was it like to work with Beck?"

So, keep all that in mind when you read this blog post. Jake Lodwick is on a no-bullshit mission and he is taking no prisoners.

That Ain't Wright

2007-08-27T10:04:00.000-04:00

This picture that Paul Scheer took in Iraq made me laugh.

OMG TV IS GETTING SO GOOD

2007-08-22T11:27:00.000-04:00

The show, "Kid Nation," which is scheduled to premiere on CBS on Sept. 19, is a reality show whose premise is to take 40 children, ages 8 to 15, and place them in a "ghost town" in New Mexico to see if they can build a working society without the help of adults.

But after the production ended in mid-May, the parent of one child in the production complained to state officials that the children's treatment bordered on abuse. Four children received medical treatment for accidentally drinking bleach, one child was burned on her face with hot grease while cooking in an unsupervised kitchen, and most of the children were required to work 14 hours or longer per day.

(from today's Times)

Too LOL For TV

2007-08-19T22:01:00.000-04:00

From this week's Observer, former Simpsons writer Dana Gould explains his favorite rejected joke from the show:

"They're at a yard sale and Dr. Nick, the low rent doctor, is looking at the Book Our Bodies, Our Selves. And he says "That woman has a baby coming out of her abortion hole!"

Pseudo-Productivity Tip

2007-08-14T22:16:00.000-04:00

During your workday, save an occasional e-mail you were going to send to co-workers and superiors in your drafts folder. Then, when you get home, in between TV shows, send a few out.

A 10:40PM two page work e-mail? Talk about a dedicated employee!

Favorite New Manhattan Neighborhood Abbreviation

2007-08-06T10:14:00.000-04:00

Murray Hill = BroHo

(via Tim Mullowney)

Attention Hardcore Bands In Search of a Name

2007-08-03T10:16:00.000-04:00

From last week's New Yorker profile of former San Quentin Prison spokesman Vernell Crittendon:

"Crittendon wrote much of the prison's lethal-injection manual, known as Procedure 770."

You're welcome.

Required Reading

2007-08-02T15:31:00.000-04:00

I sat next to a 17 year old kid on the way to Montana. He had two books with him- this one and this one. He explained that one of them was assigned summer reading from his public Long Island high school and the other was something he purchased on his own.

Which one was the school's required reading? Yikes.

MORmONS

2007-08-02T12:56:00.000-04:00

I’ve been fascinated by Mormons ever since visiting their headquarters in Salt Lake City when I was in high school and getting the full tour / attempted indoctrination. Whatever religious or fringe group you think has crazy beliefs, the Mormons have them beat. Unless you were thinking of Scientologists, which are probably a tie.

So, now that we have a Mormon running for president of the United States (and after getting a refresher course from the new Chris Hitchens book), I’d like to share some facts about the religion.

Mormonism was founded in upstate New York in September of 1827 by a man named Joseph Smith. In March of 1826, Joseph, then twenty-one, was convicted in court of being “a disorderly man and an imposter.” At the trial, he admitted to defrauding citizens by organizing mad gold digging expeditions and claiming to possess necromantic powers.

But lucky for Smith, the town had a short memory. They did not doubt Smith a year later when he claimed that he had been visited by an angel named Moroni and had been given instructions on where to go to dig up magical golden tablets with the book of Mormon written on them. The golden tablets, Smith claims, were set there in 600 BC by people who had fled Jerusalem and come to America.

When other people asked to see the tablets, he told them that he couldn’t show them because anybody who looked at them would instantly be struck dead. Smith could read a little bit but he couldn't write, so when it came time to write down what was on the tablets, he sat on one side of a kitchen with a blanket in between himself (with the tablets) and a literate person, who took the dictation on the other side so that person wouldn’t risk seeing the tablets and being stuck dead. The end result was the Book of Mormon, which Mark Twain famously summed up as “chloroform in print.”

Some facts about Mormonism:

* Mormons believe that when you die, you get your own planet where all of your friends and family are. That’s why they encourage people to recruit as many of their family members as possible – you don’t want to be lonely on your planet, do you?

* Mormons believed (they had to change this in 1965 for obvious reasons) that there was a race of people who stayed neutral during the battle of God vs. Lucifer. God punished those people after he won the battle and sent them down to earth. That race of people? You guessed it -- black people. No joke.

* Mormons have extensive research into people’s family trees. This is because they believe that they can retroactively pray for dead people and turn them into Mormons. This doesn’t sit well with everybody -- The American Jewish Committee was angered when they found out that the Mormons had acquired Nazi Halocaust records and were slowly converting the six million Jews that were killed in World War 2.

* More facts to come, this blog post is too long already. And trust me, there are a ton.

An Interview With Somebody's Grandfather?

2007-07-27T10:35:00.000-04:00

Where does the growth come from in the next three years?
It comes from both companies. I know people assumed that CBS was a nongrowth company. They were wrong. CBS is growing extremely well. As far as Viacom goes, it will grow significantly in the U.S. and all over the world. The fastest growth part of Viacom...is overseas. That's the fastest-growing part of MTV Networks. And that will continue to grow. As you know, I travel the world to assure that.

You say there's this tremendous growth coming and that the companies are well-positioned. But you've been buying back a lot of stock. You're not making acquisitions in digital. A lot of people say that's where the future is. Is that the right use of company cash? How about using that money to buy digital properties?
Are you listening?

Yes.
Let's hope so. I've bought a large number of regional properties. You've read about some very recently.

- Redstone article

You've Got Mail

2007-07-26T14:40:00.000-04:00

Dear Blog Reader,

If I were Tom Hanks, I would sign all of my letters as follows.

Thanks,
T.Hanks

TOMMY!

2007-07-25T17:55:00.000-04:00

We had a company brainstorming retreat at our summer house. I learned that Streeter slips into his Jersey Shore character whenever he puts on his black wife-beater.

Optimus Grime

2007-07-23T10:34:00.000-04:00

I saw Transformers over the weekend. It sucked.

Afterwards, I went online to see if everybody else also thought it sucked and ran across this review from a person who enjoyed the movie, to say the least:

Transformers is better than sex. I mean, I don't want to overhype it or anything, but I just got back from the screening, and if I had the chance to watch it again right now, or some hot woman would have sex with me if I went home with her, I can't think of a woman alive who would tempt me away from a repeat viewing. Jennifer Garner is usually my go-to babe, but not even her. And if there are any women out there who doubt this, I suggest you make me an offer and put me to the test.

Can you imagine what it must be like to get boned by this guy? I'd go sit through Transformers again if it meant I could see a review of sex with this guy, written by his most certainly unsatisfied wife.

Carrot Stop

2007-07-22T11:37:00.000-04:00

Does anybody make collect calls anymore? Remember all those commercials? What happened?

Crash Into Me

2007-07-17T17:57:00.000-04:00

Anna saw a frat guy wearing this shirt when she was in Chicago over the weekend and snapped a photo. At first I thought it was too good to be true, but I did some research and it's completely legit.

Wow.

Camp Fantastic: Letter To Campers

2007-07-07T17:42:00.000-04:00

Please excuse the lack of posts as I have been spending much time at our beach place, dubbed "Camp Fantastic Sleep Away Camp for Gifted Teens." This week my friend BJ came out and decided one morning to write a welcome letter for campers as they arrive. This will be printed out and placed on their pillows.

Dear Gifted Teen,

What is fire? Is it a phenomenon? A state of being? An occurrence? A reaction? A sensation? Fire, gifted teens, is a maddening puzzle. It is not a “thing” that you can hold in your hand, like a book or an iPod; and yet, in our mind’s recall, we know with the inimitable certainty of intuition that fire is more visceral, more elemental, more real, and more true than any “thing” more readily classified by the dictionary’s tired old section of nouns.

Oh, one more thing about fire? It just happens to be the most appropriate metaphor for your time spent at Camp Fantastic!

Camp Fantastic is a place where gifted teens gather with no adult supervision and let the world of summer inspire them. Things you can do at Camp Fantastic include…

Sleep on air mattresses in the pool
Cook outs
Go to the beach
Play Bocce ball
Horseshoes
Croquet Set
Sex
Snacks
Reading
Dinner Parties
Drink
Do drugs
Play Tennis
Swim
Pickup basketball
Inflatable Moonbounces
Conversation
Friendships and unforgettable memories

Picture, if you will, the heartbreakingly temporary canvas of a summer night. Moments evaporate into the mist of memory as fast as they can be felt. The muggy scent of summer’s stillness is brightened only by the trivial phosphorescence of a mindless firefly. Dead stars linger on in the sky as a sick joke – absence masquerading as a panoply of permanence.

This is what it’s like to be a gifted teen. The pleasures of youth are smothered to death under the weight of your own awareness. Being a gifted teen is like living in a Siqueiros mural, and being a gifted teen, you know who I’m talking about. Activities are to be mastered; adults are to be impressed; and life is to be learned, not lived.

If you are reading this letter, you know this all too well, for you are gifted. Rest assured.

Camp Fantastic for Gifted Teens is designed to change all this.

Camp Fantasic is a place for teens to have sex, do drugs, and stay out of trouble.

At this point, you are probably wondering a little bit about the person writing you this letter. I am a former gifted teen. After many long and unprofitable years acquiring bottle cap collections and selling them for scrap metal (long story – it’s not quite as stupid as it sounds, but essentially the sentimental and historical interest affixed to the bottle caps forced me to buy them at a considerable premium over the value of the metal itself), I found myself facing a brutal foreclosure on my house in the Hamptons. In the ensuing panic, I founded Camp Fantastic, essentially as a tax dodge but also as a way of changing lives for the better.

Today, I am a millionaire living in an air-conditioned apartment not far from the historic town of Patchogue. Would I give it all up and change places with you, a gifted teen on the cusp of an an unforgettable summer of priceless idle pleasures? Of course not. But perhaps, with some time and effort, you can change places with me.

Here you are at Camp Fantastic. Remember, there is no adult supervision at Camp Fanstastic, so remember to look out for your own safety and best interests.

Pugel B. Kavon
Co-Founder, Camp Fantastic Camps

From A Topical Borscht Belt Comedian

2007-06-06T23:22:00.000-04:00

So the post office just raised the price of a stamp from $0.39 to $0.41.

Go fuck yourselves, guys. There's my two cents.

* joke by me, wording by BJ

Got My iPhone Today!!!

2007-06-06T13:22:00.000-04:00

Apat-ouch

2007-05-31T16:13:00.000-04:00

From a recent NYT Magazine profile of my professional role model, Judd Apatow.

When a Fox executive offered some notes, Apatow replied: “I’m not changing anything. Now what happens?” What happened next would happen repeatedly over the next decade of Apatow’s career: the show was canceled.

Capacious Vocabulary

2007-05-31T10:35:00.000-04:00

Jeff had an interesting way of characterizing a "show-off" word...

"I'm always impressed when people use words so obscure that when you Google them the first result is the dictionary. I find it enervating."

True Story I Heard This Weekend

2007-05-28T22:07:00.001-04:00

A few months ago, my friend Chad went on a date with a model from Kazakhstan. This was about a month after the peak of Borat-mania, so he was sure she had heard enough about her homeland's most famous pseudo-native and decided simply not to bring it up.

At dinner, the conversation turned to restaurants and food and she told Chad, with her broken English and thick Khazak accent, "I like meat of horse." Chad burst out laughing, relieved that she had a sense of humor about Borat and he didn't have to avoid it anymore.

Unfortunately that wasn't the case. She was being serious. Unable to recover, as you'd expect, the date only went downhill from there.

Husband and Wife

2007-05-24T01:04:00.000-04:00

- OK, I'm going to tell you something. But you have to PROMISE you won't get mad and make a big deal out of it.

- Promise.

- Pinky swear?

- Yeah, what is it?

- I'm having an affair.

- You're what?!?!

- Cheating on you. With another woman. For about eight months now.

- I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS!! HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN GOING ON???

- Hold up one second -- you PROMISED you wouldn't get mad about this.

- (crying) Who is it? Is it someone I know?

- OK, now you are completely making a big deal out of this. Does a pinky swear carry any weight with you? You totally just went back on your word.

- How are you going to tell this to your own children? You fucking bastard.

- Ugh, I am NEVER going to trust you again.

Celebrity Make-Up Artist

2007-05-22T19:42:00.000-04:00

- I'm the best make-up artist in all of LA.
- So, who have you worked on?
- Look what I did for Ashlee Simpson.
- You mean Jessica.
- Huh?
- You just handed me a photo of Jessica Simpson.
- No, I'm that good.

P.S. Go buy this book right now. It's amazing.

Pat Yourself On The Back, Folks

2007-05-22T18:37:00.000-04:00

We did, it. We really fucking did it.

Opposite Ends of the Spectrum

2007-05-21T17:20:00.001-04:00

On the way to work it hit me how men you see walking around in suits are either extremely boring/wealthy or extremely crazy/homeless. There's very little in between.

Spring/Summer Fashion Predictions

2007-04-27T14:16:00.000-04:00

I do this every year. Two things for 2K7:

1. Gingham

2. Metallics with neutral colors.

Let's do this, folks.

Imus

2007-04-21T10:51:00.000-04:00

As morbid as it sounds, how bad must Don Imus wish the Virginia Tech tragedy had happened the week prior? I mean, remember Gary Condit's dissapearing discretions from August 2001? Of course you don't.

Being the editor of a humor publication, a few people have asked for my take on the whole Imus situation -- how I would have handled it, etc. Our editorial team uses a rule of thumb for offensiveness called "The Angry/Funny Rule" that I learned from reading about the 1970s National Lampoon magazine. That is, we won't publish a joke that's more angry than it is funny. Oddly enough, I believe Imus' comment failed that metric not because it was more angry than it was funny, but because it was neither.

Here's A Video We Made at Work

2007-04-21T10:49:00.001-04:00

Gold Medal in the Small Talk Olympics

2007-04-14T10:59:00.000-04:00

While waiting for a computer query to process yesterday, I had an American Express operator say to me, verbatim, "So Richard, how is the weather in the location you are calling from?"

Talk about boiling small talk down to its most fundamental level!

Every Mailman Would Be A Millionaire

2007-04-13T11:44:00.000-04:00

The fact that there are no Google results for "Change your name to United States Treasury" tells me that people need to put more thought into long-shot harebrained money making schemes.

(My) Mom Jeans

2007-04-08T19:27:00.000-04:00

Yesterday morning when my mother walked out of her room, my sister and I looked at her attire and both exclaimed "Woah- Mom Jeans!"

She asked what we were talking about and I showed her this video.

We then noticed that her entire outfit was strikingly similar to the one Maya Rudolph sports in the commercial parody. Awesome.

I'm Glad This Product Exists

2007-03-23T15:06:00.000-04:00

Starring Captain Jack Penguin!

Sketchy Dudes

2007-03-23T11:30:00.000-04:00

A drawing somebody did of our SXSW panel.

New Book!

2007-03-19T09:34:00.000-04:00

On Thursday we're releasing our second CollegeHumor-branded book, Faking It. It's both useful and funny.

Here's an interview the authors did yesterday.

Uh-Oh Typo

2007-03-15T11:57:00.000-04:00

Last week Jon, our biz dev guy, was e-mailing with a company we're starting to do business with.

He typed the sentence "I heard you guys just RFP'd our advertising department" and the spell check auto-corrected the sentence to "I heard you guys just Raped our advertising department."

He sent the e-mail on a Friday and didn't realize his error until Monday, when he immediatly sent out a "whoops" e-mail. Amir suggested he write "I promise a mistake like that will never Holocaust again."

You Can’t Buy Sophistication

2007-03-11T01:04:00.000-05:00

On the advice of CollegeHumor ad salesman and playboy Sam Stahl, Zach and I went with some friends from Facebook to the bar at the Driskill hotel tonight. It’s as old-school Texas as you can get- cow skin couches, piano player, bull horn taxidermy on the wall, etc.

We decided that we wanted to get as immersed in the spirit of the bar as possible, so when the waitress came over, Zach told her we wanted seven “highballs.” We didn’t know what was in a “highball” but we’d heard the phrase before and it sounded classy.

A few minutes later, the waitress returned. “Excuse me, sir,” she told Zach. “I figured this when you ordered, but I wanted to confirm with the bartender to be sure… a highball is a type of glass, not a drink. If you’d like a highball, you have you tell me what you’d like in it.”

We are retarded.

From Wentz We Rocked

2007-03-08T15:49:00.000-05:00

Two lines from the New Yorker article on Fallout Boy that I really liked:

1) Wentz spends almost as much time online as the band’s fans do. As he said in a recent interview, “I blog pretty hard.”

2) .. and the drummer, Andy Hurley, still claims to be a vegan anarchist. (“My whole thing is I’m not into civilization as a whole,” he recently told Rolling Stone.)

It's Like TiVo, but for Magazines

2007-02-25T23:53:00.000-05:00

Vanity Fair has good articles. But the amount of ads make reading the magazine unmanageable. So, I’ve started ripping out any page with ads on both sides before reading each issue and the problem is solved.

As you can see from this photo, there are way more ad pages than content pages.

New York [Blog] Post

2007-02-14T13:24:00.000-05:00

This one's just too obvious to ignore. So, for old times' sake...

David Sarner, Inventor of Bottle Service, Outside TenJune Last Thursday

2007-02-13T12:57:00.001-05:00

In 1995, Sarner realized he had more customers than his bartenders could handle. So Sarner brought the bar straight to the tables. He delivered vodka, mixers, ice, and glassware and allowed customers to pour their own cocktails. The next year, at Chaos, Sarner and his partner Michael Ault made bottle service mandatory—if you wanted to sit at your own table. Buying a bottle became a badge of status, and nightclub owners found a brand-new profit center.

- NY Mag, 2/19/07

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? A bottle? I'm so not going to buy a bottle. Do you know who I am? Do you even have ANY idea who I am, son? I'm David FUCKING Sarner. That's my scam!

"Buy a bottle" my ass. I invented "buy a bottle."

Aw c’mon dude, my friends are already inside.

For the last time -- I'm not buying one. You really think I’m gonna pay $400 for a bottle of Svedka I could get at Costco for $25? Do you think I’m RETARDED? You have no idea who you’re dealing with, buddy. I was overcharging poorly dressed banker fucks when the only bottle you knew had your mother's breast milk in it.

No we don't have girls with us. What about those girls over there? Well they kinda came with us- we arrived at basically the same time.

Sysiphisian Customer Service

2007-02-02T00:48:00.000-05:00

This MUST be what hell is like. Honestly.

Adventures of the Bad Boyfriend

2007-01-30T23:41:00.000-05:00

"Actually, I've got like three episodes of To Catch A Predator on my DVR if you just wanna chill at my place."

Overheard at the DNC: Jan '07

2007-01-26T13:47:00.000-05:00

"OK, so here’s the deal. This ’08 election is gonna be a slam dunk. The Republicans have proven they can’t lead the country; Bush has the lowest approval rating since Nixon during Watergate. As long as we play it safe, there is no possible way we can lose this thing. So, any ideas?"

"Oooh, how about we run a woman for President?"

"I like where you’re going with that. Sounds like a safe bet."

"What about a black guy?"

"Even better."

"But what if he doesn’t have a lot of foreign policy experience?"

"No problem. We’ll just find a black guy whose name rhymes with both 'Iraq' and 'Osama.' That way, when the average American voter hears it, the first thing they’ll think is “foreign policy experience.”

"White House here we come!"

Update on King of Kong

2007-01-25T16:50:00.000-05:00

The documentary that I mentioned here earlier was purchased for distribution and will be in theatres this summer. HOORAY!

Dating Tip for Assholes

2007-01-25T13:48:00.000-05:00

Q: What's better than telling a girl you just met that you're a doctor or a fire fighter?

A: Telling her you're a veterinarian and then spending the next ten minutes on a self-depreciating rant about how what you do is nothing compared to those other professions.

Check this:

Girl: So what do you do here in the city?

You: I’m a veterinarian.

Girl: Oh, that’s so cool!

You: Nah, it’s nothing. I mean- what’s saving a puppy compared to a doctor saving a person’s life? They’re the real heroes. Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do and I’d give up my life for some of those little guys if I could. But no matter how many kittens I take in off the street, bottle-feed, and find owners for, that pales in comparison to what a policeman or fire fighter do when they leave their houses every morning.

Girl: *SWOON*

Jake and Me Traveling

2007-01-23T14:23:00.000-05:00

Change For The Better

2007-01-20T19:43:00.000-05:00

Today I saw a screening of The Ten at a one-screen movie theatre 30 min outside Park City, Utah in a town called Heber City. I paid $4.50 for a soda and a popcorn. Cheap, right??

But that's not the most remarkable part of the concession transaction. I gave the friendly lady behind the counter a $10 bill and my change was $5.50. This was exactly how that change was given to me:

Yep- two two dollar bills, one Sacajawea golden dollar, and one half dollar. The woman told me that she specialty orders "fun" currency from the bank and her customers always love it. We need more people like her.

King of Kong

2007-01-20T11:36:00.000-05:00

Zach and I saw this documentary tonight. We were absolutely blown away. Trying to describe it will make it sounds worse than it is, so just be sure to see if for yourself when it comes out in theatres (which it surely will).

I'm a huge doc fan and can say this is easily better than Spellbound, Wordplay, etc.

P.S. This is where we're staying for the weekend. It's like summer camp but in a wing of a mansion.

Hi From Utah!

2007-01-19T19:09:00.000-05:00

Bohemian Rhapsody Related Car Fatalities

2007-01-18T21:53:00.000-05:00

* 2002 was remarkably high in TBS Wayne’s World airings

Fat-Handed Compliment

2007-01-17T00:00:00.000-05:00

I think it's really funny to give someone a compliment that's just one word off from being nice.

Ya know why I like you? Because you're not one of those snobby, materialistic, skinny, bitchy girls that I usually run into in places like this.

CollegeHumor Update I Really Like

2007-01-16T01:04:00.000-05:00

Lines From Alanis Morissette's "Ironic," Modified to Actually Make them Ironic

David Simon on New York's "Center of the Universe" Complex

2007-01-12T00:58:00.000-05:00

"This is an honest to God fact: Last year, there were more corpses in the three Law and Order franchises, which are all set in Manhattan (there were more dead people shown on that show) than there were actual homicides in Manhattan."

Flushing The Donald

2007-01-11T20:11:00.000-05:00

Flushing Donald Trump's book felt good because he's a cheezy dickhead.

Television Rocks!

2006-12-27T23:48:00.000-05:00

Holy shit. Are you watching Real World: Denver? If not, get with the program. Literally.

This last episode was amazing. Not only did the house slut get mono, but the breakthrough villain of the series finally revealed herself.

Though a description can’t do her justice, she’s basically the manifestation of the stereotypical spoiled Southern prissy girl. But she’s such a caricature of that, you would not believe what you’re watching. If you put her in as a character in a script you would get a studio note back that says “Too over the top. Just not a believable character.”

Anyways, Wednesdays at 10pm. MTV. Be there.

And while we’re on the subject of television, you should really jump on The Wire bandwagon if you haven’t already. It’s as good as you hear it is. I’ve gotten so into it that this weekend when I was home in Baltimore I purposely got lost in a neighborhood I shouldn’t have been in just to experience the magic.

I told my friend Aziz, who is also a Wirehead, about my adventure and we discussed the idea of a Wire bus tour in Baltimore like they have for Sex and The City in New York. Instead of Magnolia cupcakes, you can get out and buy actual heroin!

P.P.S. After Real World, stick around for TwentyFourSeven. It's an amazing clusterfuck of douchebaggery. A must see as well.

The Funniest Animal at the Zoo

2006-12-12T16:04:00.000-05:00

funny, right?

Available Great Band Name

2006-12-11T16:03:00.000-05:00

The Unread Messages

World's Laziest Break-Up Speech

2006-11-06T18:55:00.000-05:00

"Listen, 9/11 changed everything…"

Text Message I Got Last Night From My Friend Alison

2006-10-11T13:47:00.000-04:00

"call me asap. sum1 u used 2 hook up with has n std. but don't worry bc i just saved a bunch of $ by swtchng 2 geico"

OMG GUESS WHO DIED :(

2006-10-09T16:17:00.000-04:00

If there's one thing that Steve Irwin's death a few weeks ago taught us (besides the dangers of swimming with stingrays), it's that you can instantly tell the importance of a celebrity by whether you would text your friends if you found out that person died. So here's my personal list, which I've divided into three categories.

Textworthy	Not Textworthy	Maybe If I'm Drunk
Will Ferrell	Robin Williams	Dax Shepard
Paul McCartney	Jewel	J.C. Chasez
Jon Stewart	Kurt Loder	Carson Daly
Bill Gates	Donald Trump	Orville Redenbacher
Britney Spears	Kelly Osbourne	Shania Twain
Dr. Dre	Avril Lavigne	The dude from Creed
Osama Bin Laden	Tony Blair	Janet Reno
Tiger Woods	Andre Agassi	Mankind the wrestler
Subway Jared	"Can you hear me now?" guy	Dell Kid
Bob Saget	Suzanne Somers	The guy who Played Carl Winslow
Adam Sandler	Rob Schneider	Shooter McGavin

Kevin Outer Spacey

2006-09-20T23:05:00.000-04:00

Sure you saw this story on the news. But did you hear what else they saw in that telescope?

Crocs: Setting the Record Straight

2006-09-15T13:58:00.000-04:00

My friend Jessica sent me this article about Crocs, the new synthetic sandals/shoes that are sweeping the nation. As a wearer of crocs, I often find myself in the position of defending them. This, of course, is retarded – how often do you have to defend an item of clothing on your body? Let’s step back for a moment and go over a few things we can all agree on.

1. Crocs look silly.
2. Crocs are very comfortable.
3. Most people who bash crocs have never worn them.

When people start making fun of my Crocs, I cut them off mid-sentence. I tell them that I too was once like them -- I had never worn crocs and all I thought they looked clownish. But then I actually put them on and they were the most comfortable thing I had ever had on my feet. That’s why I don’t let anybody talk about crocs until they’ve actually worn them for a day. Makes sense, right? Nope- people just continue on with their Croc-bashing regardless of what I say.

In the article, they quote a typical Crocs hater:

"I have to say that these things are hideous!" adds Jay Escobara, cofounder of New York-based design collective Saenai. "Crocs personify the 'eclectic' person who really isn't all that different from the Kmart shopper but pretends to follow the trend in hopes it might place him among a group of people and/or lifestyle."

My roommate/pal Jake introduced me to the straw man theory a while ago, so I was instantly able to spot the flaw in this argument. “Jay Escobara personifies the goon who projects his own insecurities onto preposterous straw men” Jake says. “Arguments that say ‘people think they're doing one thing, but they're actually doing something else’ are always weak.”

Perhaps it’s the exact opposite of what Escobara thinks? Maybe people who wear Crocs just don’t give a fuck about any of those factors and just want to be comfortable. I know that’s why I wear them. Can’t we all just be a little more generally positive about things? You’re not required by twenty-something law to have a take on everything. If you don’t like something, don’t pay it any attention. Unless it’s actually useful, it will go away.

Yeah, I’ll Admit It

2006-09-11T00:49:00.000-04:00

I used to be really into John Mayer.

Because it’s only unacceptable to say about artists that actually are popular, let me say this -- I liked John Mayer before he was popular. I liked him at the stage in his career when he was going into AOL chat rooms and pretending to be his own fan to spread the word about himself. How lame yet awesome is that?

When he became popular, I started to get strangers telling me that I looked like John Mayer several times a week. The summer I lived in Los Angeles I hooked up with a cute blonde girl on the roof of a house party simply because she thought I looked like John Mayer. A week later, my friend was at Jennifer Love Hewitt’s place and John (her then boyfriend) showed up. My friend told him about me getting his residual ass. John thought that was “awesome.”

Anyway, I hadn’t thought about John Mayer in a while until Jake pointed out this flyer on the street today. Any New Yorker will realize how hilarious this promo is.

Oh John Mayer, you just reminded me why I liked you to begin with.

One Girl, Twenty One Boys

2006-08-28T15:49:00.000-04:00

My co-worker and daily Tasti D Lite partner Sarah Schneider posted a photo essay about what it's like to work in an all-male office.

Big News Today

2006-08-15T11:00:00.000-04:00

I was talking with my pal Nick Kroll about who would win in a fight- a gorilla or a shark. After about four seconds of debate, it was decided that the shark would win if the fight took place in water and the gorilla would win if the fight were on land. However, we were inconclusive about what would happen if the fight were to take place in a marsh.